So here we are, over a week in now... and I just kind of feel lost.
Last night, I was attempting for the second time to meet up with a friend of a friend at my local subway station. I'd decided, to save money, that I would take a bus to the station instead of my normal $3+ taxi ride (bus fare is roughly 75 cents). A coworker kindly told me which bus to take (though she'd said 5-4 or 5-6, I'd interpreted it as 54 or 56)... I ended up on the wrong bus.
Let me tell you, there are few things more unnerving (to me) than being a.)alone in a country where you don't speak the language, b.) in a city you barely know, c.) with street signs you can't decipher, d.) on an unfamiliar bus route, and e.) with urgent news playing on the speakers. My eyes teared up, and I felt panicking thoughts surface: "What on EARTH am I doing in this country? Why did I decide to come here? I'm so hopelessly lost and awkward here. What am I doing with my life? I'm already late -again- meeting my friend!" ... ad nauseum. And this was on the night of the North/South Korea skirmish, where artillery shells were fired from both sides. Any pertinent news was lost to me, not being able to understand Korean. I felt completely and hopelessly detached from the world. What a feeling.
And then I decided to try something different: I took a deep breath and started some positive self talk: "You're an intelligent person. You're navigating a foreign city solo; give yourself some credit. Relax. If you miss your friend, it's not the end of the world. Be patient." etc. It helped a great deal. Eventually, I was able to find another subway station just one stop away from my own.
Horrendously long story short, I found my friend and was eventually treated to a delicious Korean meal. I was so relieved and grateful.
Then today, school was pretty decent, luckily. Though my homeroom class was HORRENDOUS at first, we eventually were able to have some fun and enjoy class. The day went pretty much as smoothly as possible, and I was looking forward to meeting a new friend this evening.
Well, eventually I felt a resurgence of last night's awful sinking feeling. My friend, ever educated and decidedly non-American (he's South African), engaged me in a conversation where I soon felt I was in over my head. I know a minimal amount of politics and literature, which are two of his favorite topics. Oy. I felt immediately as if I were drowning. I felt incredibly intellectually inferior (how's THAT for alliteration, eh?). There's only so much a girl's ego can take! Embarrassingly, I broke down and confessed these feelings to him, which undoubtedly made him uncomfortable as well. And there we were.
So here I am, home, trying to decide how highly I esteem myself. I had just come to be really happy with who I was and what I'd accomplished... and now it's like I'm back at square one. Well, I'm probably being melodramatic, but it's not a pleasant feeling at any rate.
I have a much more chipper entry that I wrote in a cafe this past weekend... When I have the time/desire, I will definitely type it up and post it. For now, I shall go do productive things (read: NOT wallow in self misery)! Cheers!
Oh, my love. Give yourself a lot of credit -- like you said, you are independently navigating a strange country where you can't read or speak the language. You are a strong, independent young woman with an excellent head on your shoulder. It takes time to get acclimated to a new country and a new experience. Be kind to my girl. Take her under your wing and talk nicely to her any time she begins to panic. Self talk does help a lot. You began to study Korean before you left here and will learn enough to allow you to order food, learn the subway system, enjoy a new country & culture, etc.
ReplyDeleteAs far as having discussions with new friends, you can discuss literature and politics with the best of them! If it's something you've not read, it's a good way to learn about books you may or may not care to read. You are an excellent conversationalist and are adept at manipulating conversations so that everyone there can participate and not feel left out. If you're that kind to your friends, why aren't you that kind to yourself? Steer the conversation to a place where you both (BOTH) are comfortable. Look at all the excellent conversations in which you participated in Costa Rica, Ecuador, Phoenix, and Flagstaff. (Not to mention the thought provoking conversations we've had a home or you've had with Sarah.)
Give yourself time to get adjusted and comfortable with your surroundings and country. When it's time for you to come back to the US, just say the word. That is especially true if / when it becomes dangerous for you to be there.
Feel free to Skype your parents / sisters / friends whenever you need a virtual hug! Know you are respected, loved, adored, and missed. I'm going to send you an e-mail, too!
By the way, GO BUCKS! We won. We are the best.
LOVE YOU! M&D